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Grief & Loss week 4 - November 22, 2020

Ruth 1:11-18Preaching Rev. Molly Fraser, GHUMC
It is good to be with both churches today, and I feel an extra special thrill to be worshiping with Moscow UMC. My husband Peter and I lived in Moscow for two years while he got his master's at U of I. This was the same time that Tendekai was a student as well, so we share some fun connections. I had grown up Methodist, but by way of ministry and work, found myself in Nazarene churches- and so, I was on the music staff at the Nazzie Dome, as you well know it.

It was during our time in Moscow that I felt a renewed call to ordained ministry that would not let go. In a roundabout way, I found myself in the pastor’s office in your beautiful stone church, where the pastor wisely told me that God would use me in either denomination. She said: The

Nazarene’s needed more of my brain, the Methodists needed more of my heart. It wasn’t long after that when we made plans for seminary and the ordination process. And 16 years later, I am preaching in your pulpit- virtually. I’m grateful.

So here we are, Ruth and Naomi have suffered a great loss. A loss made even greater by a significant move, a loss that is sure to entangle itself around their decisions and journey forward in ways they can not yet imagine.

There is so much to be said of the Book of Ruth, of the relationships that unfold, and the way people show up for one another. Sometimes, we make Ruth out to be a hero, the one who accompanies her mother-in-law no matter what, and we look down on Orpah. Don’t go there. Orpah’s circumstances were different, her choices were for a life that was set before her. Ruth felt that nudged, she may have had a twinge of need-to-be-needed or perhaps she was scared to be alone, but I think it is ok for us to believe that she understood her relationship with Naomi to be one of importance, grown to where she wanted to support her, to go with her, and make sure Naomi had what she needed, not only for her livelihood but for her journey of grief.

The sermons at our two churches have been different, even as we’ve shared the same book and Bible texts. The past three Sundays, we’ve been talking about grief and guilt and hurt and anger. Normal reactions and otherwise. We’ve talked about barriers to grieving and how the refusal to acknowledge loss can stop the process of grief that is so important to the path that leads to life again.

Today, we shift a bit from naming and being the one in grief to considering how we might become better companions for someone in the midst of great loss.

Pastor Debbie and I both believe that while a pastor may be the go-to for crisis moments and memorial celebrations, it is the God-given, grace-filled work of friends, the congregation- the church- to companion one another in loss and grief.

I’m going to trust that we’ve all been in that panic moment when someone we know has lost someone significant or has announced their marriage over, where we don’t know what to say. So… we fret about it. Maybe we never call and just feel guilty. Or maybe we finally show up. And maybe we find some words to say that we think will be comforting, maybe we offer some advice, maybe we share our own experience. And then, sometime later on in life, when the tables turn, someone says those words to us and it stings. It hurts. It is entirely unhelpful.

I wanted some of my friends to share with you:
- - VIDEO: Nov 22 Sermon Insert Video- - -


Although grieving is by its nature a lonely task, the resolution of grief requires the presence of other persons. Showing up is important. That crowd at the service makes a difference. The memories written on a remembrance wall mean something. The cards that come quickly and the ones that arrive months later, they are so important. You can be sure that those things are time-trusted acts of care, but there is a lot more to companioning someone in their path of grief.

When someone has suffered a loss, you may be a person God calls upon to help. Every situation is different, and it isn’t always easy to figure out what is needed, but there are some things we can learn.
People who study grief agree that the work of grieving is intended to accomplish several goals: admitting the reality of a loss, creating a cherish-able memory, beginning to make new investments and attachments, and reconstructing self and a faith altered by loss.

According to the research and experience of Mitchell and Anderson, The grieving person needs four things.

1. They need relief from the expectations of others. The casserole brigade? Crucial. So is the co-worker who takes on a little more work when the friend is going through a nasty divorce. So is the spouse who assumes more of the household chores while the other spouse grieves the death of a parent. Some folks go into overdrive mode and refuse any help at all when their loved one dies. Then later, after the decisions have been made, the crowds go home, that’s when they collapse and need help.

But it is tough to know. Rushing in and taking over everything can cause lots of frustration later on, and even some dependency issues. We have to set limits, even while understanding that traumatic loss often calls for us to help in ways that normally would seem obtrusive.

The second need is for support. The support that helps draw out their feelings, memories, and struggles. This means true listening. No platitudes like you heard from my friends. Support in this manner is easier said than done: standing by as a listening presence, bearing the silence. Being ok with the confusion and stories that come out, listening for feelings and experiences, worrying less about details, or trying to make sense of it.

Support for a grieving person is providing a safety net in which the person feels freely able to grieve without fear of abandonment or condemnation. It’s about helping them trust that it’s ok not to be ok. You see, we can’t take away the loneliness someone feels when dealing with loss, but we can help prevent isolation. Isolation is where we feel no one understands, no one cares, no one will hear us or can connect with us in our grief.

Grief needs to be heard by someone. Feeling heard, being heard is part of the healing process. And if you are helping, it requires empathy- with intentional imagination. You can never know someone’s experience, but you can do your best to imagine the pain they are experiencing and validating it.

Other times, this support is about lending strength. It must be temporary as we don’t want to take over someone’s life or responsibilities, but we should be attuned to the person in grief. When someone loses someone they have been overly dependent upon, it feels life-threatening. As a companion, we can be their strength and help build their capacity to trust themselves again.

But a warning, possibly the most dangerous form of help is when we try to comfort prematurely. These are the platitudes people say that backfire. They make it plain and obvious that you do not understand. They tend to arise out of religious resources- used in the wrong ways. It is true that our belief in eternal life with God can ease some anxiety of pain, but it does not reduce the loss. In fact, saying things like “They’re in a better place. It’s all in God’s plan-“ that will to feelings of isolation, and they will know you are unable to enter into grief with them.

Religious folk like us sometimes feel like we have to defend God more than attend to the feelings and needs of grieving people. Let me assure you: God needs no defense. We’re so uncomfortable with death and dying and loss and losing that we feel like we have to run from the pain. If we’re really uncomfortable with loss, we tend to become afraid that grief is evil or wrong or says something horrible about God. We can actively guard against these impulses and resist such premature comfort.

The third thing people need is help creating a lasting memory. A cherish-able memory. We do this in hundreds of ways and it usually starts with funeral planning and the way a pastor coaxes the memories into the open. Creating this memory- helps us move forward- as we hang on to that which is helpful for going forward and work through and let go of all that which hinders us.

Whether it is a loss that comes through a divorce, moving, loss of child or spouse, a career change, we still need to work through all the feelings that arise, that help us piece together meaning from that person or experience. The most important part of this is remembering and remembering out loud. Telling stories, bringing up the loss and the things we’re learning. Even if it is a divorce or a move, helping our friend put the good memories in perspective is good work.

Doing that will eventually lead us to that fourth need where we the person rebuilds the self and beliefs that were altered by the loss. The grief process often makes grievers’ reluctant to accept their own strength. Oddly enough, the growth of strength and vitality and a renewed sense of self is experienced as if it is another loss.
As people gain strength, they sometimes feel guilty for not being consumed by loss, for not ‘needing’ someone anymore, for being able to find happiness.

And so, as helpers, we actively remind our friends that there is no sense in them devaluing the loved one. We remind them that this is healthy and right and good. We remind them that this is the path of grief, the end goal. We remember the memories and we celebrate that they have been transformed, that God has fulfilled a promise.

Friends, it can be hard, delicate work to companion someone journeying through grief. But it is also one of the deepest joys. If you can enter that place of pain, you will witness God’s transforming power in another human being as they gain confidence, as they mature their faith, and when they make choices that come from deep within. And if you are willing, God will partner with you to do this good work.

The path of grief is not something we ask for. However, if you are called upon to be a companion for someone who finds themselves on that road, I pray you will trust that God will lead you, and it will be worth it. Amen.

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