Genesis 32:1-21 Relationships are hard. Jacob and Esau prove that and Merida and her mom prove that. We have different wants, needs, desires, and priorities. We all have certain expectations for how other people will act and not everyone is on board with what we want. People make their own plans and do their own thing. We’re human, and we do stupid things, we did selfish things, we do hurtful things, we do manipulative and sinful things. It’s part of our brokenness. And we often hurt others in the process. Jacob lied, manipulated, stole, betrayed and didn’t really seem to think twice about it. He went in full force
and showed almost no remorse, until he thought, in his brother’s anger, that he might get in trouble for it. And then he ran away.
In addition to our power to hurt, we have this incredible power to make it worse—saying and doing things that stem from our anger or our hurt, things that are hard to undo. We lash out with our words. And can’t unspeak them.
The rift between Merida and the queen was much less malicious than what happened with Jacob and Esau. It stemmed from differing priorities, exacerbated by cultural norms. They argued and went back and forth with each other as many of us do with those we love most. We care too much to let it go and are often too close to gain the perspective we need. But then Merida made it worse….she took her sword and slashed the tapestry her mom had been working on since she was a young child. So in turn, the queen retaliated and threw the bow into the fire. Sound familiar? You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you. Eye for an eye. Tit for tat. Be honest, how many of us have been there?
And how many of us have been convinced that if the other person only saw it our way, it would all be better? I’m pretty sure Jacob knew better than to blame it all on his brother…but I’m also sure he did a fair amount of self-justification, assuring himself that he had some right to do what he did. Merida was sure her mother was the problem. She knew that all that needed to happen was for her mother to change, so she went to the local witch and asked her to make a spell to change her mother. That’s what the witch did. Only Merida wasn’t specific enough in her request and her mother was changed …into a bear.
Be careful what you wish for, right? It didn’t take long for them to know they needed to change things back. Only when they went back to the witch’s den, she wasn’t there…only a note that it would all be irreversible after the second sunrise and for their fate to be changed they would have to mend the bond. Neither of them really knew what that meant at first, but they were sort of stuck in it together because they couldn't tell anyone else, so they were forced to spend some time together. And in so doing, they began to enjoy one another, without all the rules and pretense they normally followed. The queen had to rely on her daughter because she was trained in all the nuances of running a castle, but not at all in catching or cooking her own breakfast.
Now Jacob and Esau didn’t have a witch, or a spell, or any kind of magic. But they had time and years of distance to help them see with some perspective. And one day God prompted Jacob to go back to Esau and repent. Jacob was really hesitant. He feared his brother would retaliate and ruin him. And, arguably, Esau would have had every right too. But God told Jacob to go back, and promised it would be for his good.
I don’t know how many of you have had to go to someone with your tail between your legs and apologize, truly repent of your actions, but it’s so scary it takes your breath away. There’s that pit in your stomach. We struggle with thoughts like, “they won’t even listen.” “How would they even hear me?” “What will I say?” “What if they hate me?” Repentence is hard. It’s scary. And, it’s part of what we’re called to do.
You’ll notice in the biblical story it’s Jacob who is asked to approach is brother. He as the offender is the one who needs to apologize, admit his wrong, and show he’s ready for a better relationship. The onus is not on Esau as the wounded one, but Jacob as the one who did the harm.
I apologize we don’t have more movie clips for you this morning. We had all the tech problems you could imagine and couldn’t get more of the movie for you. But, if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth watching the whole movie. As Merida and her mom spend more time together, they start to soften. They start to see that each one really does care for the other. They stop letting their anger drive them and start looking to see from the other person’s perspective. Their fight represents what so many of us deal with regularly—there isn’t a clear offender. There isn’t one person who holds all the blame. Each person has played a part in driving the wedge. Each person has failed in some way. Each person must do their part in order for their to be a different trajectory. Reconciliation is the work of both parties. Generally, where more than one person created the problem, more than one person has to help solve the problem. In the case of Jacob and Esau, Jacob had to do the heavy lifting. He had to prove he could be trusted again. He had to prove he wasn’t going to continue in bad patterns. Jacob was willing to sacrifice much of what he had as penance for what he had stolen from his brother. It just so happened that Esau didn’t need those things for himself, so he didn’t require it, but imagine if he had been poor all those years, never able to marry or get a job because of his brother’s sins—he might have been more willing to accept the offering had things gone another way. For Esau, reconciliation wasn’t about the material things, it was about trust and vulnerability. Esau had to be willing to risk being tricked again. His brother had deceived him and stolen from him multiple times. He didn’t really know if his brother had truly changed. He had to dare to be vulnerable. For them, coming together and acknowledging the past with a resolve to move forward was what it took to begin the work of reconciliation.
Some relationships are ready for reconciliation. God is giving us the courage both to forgive and to risk trusting. And it can be incredibly scary to risk that kind of vulnerability, but God will help us if we are both ready. In these next few moments, we want you to listen and pray for who God is telling you to reach out to—asking for or offering forgiveness and daring to risk. Sometimes we may know who it is but have no idea what to say. Listen for some of the ways you might start your conversation;
“I don’t know how we might rebuild our relationship, but I’m willing to try if you are.”
“I know I’m sorry doesn’t heal what I’ve done, but I am sorry and I love you.”
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you, I haven’t been kind or loving and I’d like the chance to fix that.”
“I miss you. I miss being us—laughing and doing life together. I know it will take a lot of work, but I miss it. I miss you.”
“I’m sorry. I have a lot of things to apologize for, and I’m sorry for all of them and I’m working on changing me so I can be better to those I love.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been holding a grudge for so long. It’s been hard to let go of the past, but God has done great things in my life and is helping me to move forward.”
I don’t know the details of your relationships. I don’t know if you’re like Jacob and Esau with a major offense, a major betrayal that has created a chasm between you and someone you love. Maybe you were the offender. Maybe you were the offended. Or maybe you’re more like Merida and the queen…where both parties are guilty and no one holds clear blame, but still wounded and hurt from failures of communication, difference in expectations, or your own sins.
I do know God calls us into loving, healthy, and fruitful relationships and calls us back to them when we have been hurt or have hurt others. Imagine if there were no reconciliation, we couldn’t be in much of a relationship with anyone! We’re so imperfect that if we didn’t dare to forgive and risk vulnerability with reconciliation, we’d be lonely and isolated. God wants us to find ways toward healing and can empower that to happen in each of us.
Let us pray.